On Sunday, I went with some of my friends to enjoy a beer and celebrate Oktoberfest at Alpine Village. When I arrived I was dismayed to find the festivities closely guarded by a squadron of private security decked out in pressed uniform closely mimicking that of actual police. Their attire included gun at hip, a bulging utility belt of five compartments, patches bearing insignia, and shiny copper badges worn smugly on the left breast pocket.

The guards regulated entrance to the drinking tent with metal detectors, jealously preventing any contraband such as gum. That’s right, they confiscated gum. It’s such a dangerous substance that they stockpiled the stuff on a shelf.

After carefully navigating this private gestapo, I made my way into the tent and bought a beer. The Dunkel put me in a better mood. But I still felt relentlessly threatened, as I found a goon posted at every corner and every exit. Dare I say, that I share more camaraderie my fellow inebriated partyman than I do with a trained bully?

Desperately I implored my Dunkel to restore some mirth. As soon as my friends had finished their plastic cups of beer, I set out to construct a tower. Only 2 cups high, and already it attracted the attention of these dementors. Casually, one swooped by and directed me to deconstruct my castle. Having festered under their scorn, I protested. At which point I was told “because it’s dangerous.” Seriously!

I set about drinking more Dunkel to mellow my outrage. And then I realized it: The gum they had deprived us of at the vestibule, could have served as excellent construction material! So much do these wraiths dislike fun, that they have prohibited the building of a tower of plastic cups as if it were some terrorist plot of mortally dangerous weapons engineering.

I stewed and observed more of the SS behavior: preventing people from dancing on the (admittedly rickety) tables; prohibiting with a strong tap, hard stare, and finger-down motion, even so much as standing on a bench to snap a better photograph. These vampires sucked my intoxicated merriment dry to sobriety.

I don’t like it. This surveillance is too much! America has now come into being as such a police state, that I find myself paying increased admission for the privilege of feeding these dementors my gaiety! The American experience of Oktoberfest is inauthentic: Not even the Germans would post such gestapo in their Bierhalls!